Milk.

After my nice three day weekend my butt is back in the ol' office chair again. My ribs are already protesting and I've only been here a couple of hours. This is going to be fun, I can tell.

Friday's doctor appointment was boring. I wanted to barf after the whole glucose drink but I guess thats normal. We were baking in the apartment so we decided to get out of dodge and get back to the A/C.

Jared started playing his new video game that I got him for Father's Day... He's easily absorbed into things like that so he'll be entertained for the days that I'm at work. Plus he can sleep in and do nothing, which is also his favorite thing to do, so he'll have a good time.

On Saturday we went to Myrick Park to go for a walk on the bunny trails. We saw lots of muskrats and a family of mysterious groundhog things. Also, we learned that herons make freaky murder sounding noises and that Jared doesn't enjoy just regular old walking much.

But, on Sunday, I forced him to go out with me again. We drove to Perrot State Park and took a little trail. We hiked for a VERY short time because, well... the trail ended up being hilly and my stomach muscles couldn't take it. Plus, Jared was hungry and he hates going outside anyway so he was quick to help me make up my mind to turn back. Later that evening we went to Rudy's for 99c rootbeer floats before heading to the Rivoli to catch a cheap flick. Cheap as in... free! Somebody at the door had tickets he didn't want to use so he gave them to us, which passes on a total of savings of SIX WHOLE DOLLARS. Which is a lot, when you consider that we could've gotten 6 more rootbeer floats with that money. :) We saw Sunshine Cleaning, and it was okay. I thought it could've been a lot better but it was decent, and for the cost of free it was excellent entertainment.

Other than that, I've been watching Jared play video games and surfing the internet. Saturday I did make a pot pie (which was delicious) but that was as ambitious as I got. I think I'm making ribs tonight, so we'll see how that goes without the grill. I kinda suck at working with meat, but practice makes perfect, right?

In other news... My debit card was declined at Festival yesterday. Talk about embarrassing. I don't know why it was declined because I have (and had) way more than sufficient funds to pay for my gallon of milk. Now I'll be all paranoid everywhere I go because I'll think my card won't go through... talk about weird. The kid looked at me like "Wow, you poor sap. You don't even have enough $ for a gallon of milk."

Why yes, kid, I do thankyouverymuch.

And, speaking of milk, last night I stayed awake in bed for hours thinking about how many cows I would need to supply myself with enough milk. Recently I've been going through 3-4 gallons a week (excessive, I know) and I feel like I should start buying stock in Land O' Lakes or something. But last night I seriously couldn't sleep because I was too busy thinking about how much milk one cow makes. I honestly have no idea. Maybe I'll ask my sister.

**UPDATE** I looked it up and its apparently close to 16 liters. Thats a lot. I can't drink 16 liters of milk in one day. But still, I'd technically have to have more than one cow anyway because you can't get a cow to give milk all year round...

And then, of course, since this is a baby blog, I started thinking.. "How much milk people make?" And that is disgusting. I don't even want to google that.

Its going to be a bright sunshiny day.

One of my favorite things to do when I'm bored is read other people's pregnancy/baby blogs. Its nice for me to get perspective on how other people deal with my same problems. One of my favorite bloggers recently posted about her honest feelings towards her unborn baby, about how guilty she felt because she doesn't really love her baby yet.

I read that, and I think, "I can relate to that." I wouldn't say that I really love Babyzilla yet. It used to make me feel horribly guilty because so many people gushed on and on about how they were already completely in love with a person they've never met, how already they could not imagine life without their unborn baby. And I just don't feel like that. This whole thing is still pretty far removed from me. The changes I've had to make thus far are really nothing compared to what will come. So I can't eat lunch meat sandwiches, and I have a hard time bending over... but in a few months I will be responsible for somebody else's life, and I don't know what that is like yet. Its such a strange concept to me still that I can't really know it to love it.

But, I guess, from my point of view... Its okay that I don't love him now. I don't really know him now. I've only seen him a couple of times on grainy ultrasound screens - at best he looked like a little alien, and at worst he looked like an indistinguishable blob. I have no idea what he is going to like or how he is going to act or anything like that. And if you search the subject on pregnancy forums, I know there are a lot of people out there who feel like I do.

I look at it this way: I know that when I finally do love him after he's born, it will be for who he is and not what he is to me. I kind of like the idea of learning new things about him to love, instead of having this automatic feeling there no matter what. As stupid as it sounds, it will mean more to me that I will have fallen in love with him when he is screaming, pooping and staying up all night instead of when he is just floating inside of me and I can idealize him into anything I want.

Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of him. I might even love the idea of him. I do everything I can to try and be healthy and take care of him. I'm excited to meet him and I worry about him, but to me its not the same as loving him.

I guess I wanted to share these feelings in case somebody else who is reading my blog finds herself in the same boat. I definitely didn't want to lie and say that I totally love him. I didn't want to lie and make it seem like someone is a horrible mom if she doesn't love her unborn child yet. Because she wouldn't be. I'm not, and I won't be, even if other people try to make me feel otherwise.

And, honestly? I'm pretty proud of how things are shaping up, despite the people out there who try to bring me down. I know I'm not married, I know I'm "too young" and I know that I have no clue what I'm doing. Strangers are quick to judge me and point all of those things out to me, but I still think I'm doing a good job. I've got more things going for me than working against me.

Its stupid to ignore all of those good things. I mean, above everything else, I'm growing a healthy baby. I've got Jared here to help me, and even though we're not married it doesn't make our relationship or love for the baby any less valid. My family & Jared's family are supportive of us and are there to help us when we need it. Both Jared & I are smart, healthy people and we'll learn how to be parents as well as anyone who was "ready" to become a parent.

We don't have a plan but we'll ride out whatever comes at us and that will be good enough. Good enough, because things always work out in the end. Becuase, in five years, no one is going to care how our son got here because he is going to be his own awesome person. He is going to be his own person and we'll be glad that things happened exactly the way they did.

Dear Babyzilla,

I'm glad you're here.

Love,
Your mom

Why yes, today is lovely.

A delivery guy came in today absolutely sweating buckets, and he made the sarcastic comment about how nice it is outside. And I think I really made him upset, because I just smiled and said, "Yes, it is gorgeous out."

He probably hated me because I'm sitting in the A/C, moving only when my but or my ribs get too sore. But the thing is, I don't care if he hates me because that man is just a complainer. Even if it were a breezy 70 degrees out, that man would still complain. And I didn't want to listen to it today because I complain enough already.

So, here is a list of things that I am grateful/happy for:

1. A big flock of tiny little birds landed on the lawn. They were awesome. (Note to Jared: If you instill a fear of birds into our child I will be disappointed. Birds rock.)

2. I had tacos with Kari's mom last night. They were delicious.

3. It is summertime, so fruit is available & inexpensive. Also, the guys who sell sweet corn out of their trucks are back.

4. I am not dying. (At least that I'm aware of. I'm sure thats something the doctor will check tomorrow, anyway, so I'm probably covered.)

5. I had a nice time reading with the dog outside yesterday after it started to cool off.

6. My stomach isn't itchy today.

7. My mommy's roses are blooming.

I don't know which to protect...

Okay. This might make absolutely no sense to some of you people out there, but I'll try to explain as best I can. In grade school, there were two big poles (basketball hoops minus the hoops, actually) and they were pretty much the coolest spot on the playground. We always used to play a game we called "pole tag" which I'm sure probably isn't a real sport, but it was fun anyway. The rules were pretty simple: one person was "it" & the other people weren't. The people who weren't had to run back and forth between the poles. The poles were "gool" meaning that you were safe from being tagged as long as you were touching them. It doens't sound that great now but it was probably the only game that involved physical exercise that I ever willingly played. I had fun.

But anyway, the nature of tag is such that the slower people spend far longer times being "it" and chasing everyone else around. I was slow. I was "it" often. I always had this problem ... which pole do I guard? Do I stand in teh middle in hopes of catching people from both ends, or should I stand at one end or the other to provide a more accurate block of a single pole? It really was a perplexing situation for me at the time.

Why am I telling you this? I'm stuck in the same situation now, only instead of guarding poles from school children I'm trying to guard my body from two different office job pains. Butt or ribs - which one do I save, or do I try to halfway save both? Here's the deal:

IF I sit up straight, my ribs have more space and hurt substantially less... BUT that hurts my butt a lot because this chair was definitely not engineered for me.

IF I slouch down low so I am almost lying down, the pressure is taken off of my butt and I'd be pretty comfy... BUT then Babyzilla must be crammed up closer to my ribs because it feels like a medieval torture technique wherein my ribs are slowly ratcheted farther and farther apart by some mechanical device.

So all this morning I've been grappling with this problem and for some reason I honestly can't decide what is better: Save one body part and throw the others to the wolves, or should I spend time trying to save both parts while not effectively eliminating the pain completely from either part?

Honestly, its one of those things normal people probably don't think much about. Someone more sensible than I might suggest just getting up and walking, but since Monday's little episode I'm not supposed to move much at all. Plus, it is pretty difficult to answer the phone when I'm not at my desk, and the phone has been ringing nonstop.

All of the aside, things have been pretty boring. I got all kinds of lovelies from the produce section at Festival yesterday. Fruit is about the only thing I actually like to eat that is healthy for me, so I stocked up. Plums, grapes, bananas, & a peach somehow ended up into my cart. And then while I was driving back, there was a guy selling fresh picked strawberries and ... well, I got those too. The peach is already gone. A good portion of the strawberries are in my belly. As of breaktime this morning, half of the grapes are gone. I'm not really sure eating this much fruit is a good idea. (Especially when you consider that I ahd a Fiber1 bar & Raisin Bran already today. No, I'm not trying to eat fiber... I guess I just like fibery foods.)

Friday is yet another doctor appointment, so I'll be leaving to head back to the cities tomorrow after work. It'll be a nice three day weekend for me, even if it means leaving the A/C. Since Jared will be on vacation, he wants to com eback to LaCrosse with me so I'm not alone. He's still a bit freaked out by Monday's events so he pretty much decided that I am incapable of doing even most minute things alone.

I do wish I could go swimming, though. I'm not supposed to go swimming until everything checks out, but now that it is warm... the beach is calling.

Tuesday.

Yesterday kind of sucked when I got home. I went to do laundry and realized I had bled a bit and not noticed it. I called the midwife and was freaked out for a while but I've calmed down since then. The CNM said it could be any number of things, but as long as I'm feeling fine and the baby is moving, everything should be ok. I go in on Friday for my glucose screening anyway so she told me just to sit around and do nothing until then. I stalked a couple of Jared's friends just to get the message to him, and he freaked out more than I did. It made me feel better to have him freaking out because for some reason it makes me calm down. Like maybe he's freaking out enough for the both of us, so I don't have to or something.

But anyway, I've been trying to keep busy today just so I don't have too much time to dwell on things. In being obnoxiously in tune to everything my body is doing today, though, I've noticed some things:

1. It is quite possible that my ribs hurt because of the person who is kicking them out from the inside, not because my bra is too tight or anything. I've noticed that if I keep shifting and moving to try and rearrange my organs & child it gets better.

2. I have a stretch mark in the very middle of my stomach. There are none anywhere around it, so it is especially glaringly ugly. And whats weird is that it kind of hurts. (But that might be my imagination.)

Last night I got so busy freaking out that I didn't get a chance to go to the grocery store, so I've been living off of cereal today. I think I'm going to treat myself to some Jimmy Dean's breakfast sandwiches, because quite honestly, I deserve them. I might also deserve some of my favorite cream cheese, because what better way is there to make yourself feel better than with food?

I had thought about maybe lying out in the sun this afternoon and working on a leg tan & some vitamin D, but after I saw the little weather guy pop up on my computer saying that its 96 degree out and it feels like 100... maybe not. I guess its a good thing I'm not home to sweat in front of the fan. This is the first time I've ever seen a "heat advisory" in my whole life. Doesn't a heat advisory sound ridiculous to you? Shouldn't any semi-conscious being who steps outside notice that its hot out, and that maybe he shouldn't say, weld things or chop firewood? Don't people in Miami live with this kinda crap every day? Do they have ridiculous heat advisories there too?

Speaking of Florida, I purchased airline tickets. So, everyone: mark your calendars. On December 21st to January 13th Florida will get a whole lot awesomer, because my baby & I will be there. (And Jared too. But lets face it, he's not the main attraction. :) )

***UPDATE*** I looked on the national weather map, and it turns out that actually Miami is cooler than us, with a measley 87 degrees. Looks like only Texas, Death Valley & maybe Oklahoma are hotter. What a disappointment.

***2ND UPDATE*** Apparently, 96 degrees is hot enough to melt a crayon (which somehow was left on the floor of the car) into a pool of coloured, molten pain that gets stuck all over one's flip flops and burns into even the thickest heel callous. Why was there a crayon in there in the first place? I don't know.

Strangers are stupid.

Dear Idiot Stranger,

If by the graces of God you stumble upon my little website & read this, I would just like to have a friendly chat about a comment you made to me this morning. In case you don't remember what you said, I will post it here. Yes, these were your exact words. They sounded as lame in person as they do in type. This is what you said:

"Wouldn't it be great if women were like elephants, and they were pregnant for years? Pregnancy is so wonderful! You must be having the time of your life."

The answer is no, sir. It would not be wonderful, and no, I am not having the time of my life. I wish I could have said that to you this morning, but while I was in line in the grocery store at 6:00 AM I did not have the mental faculties up and running to fully process what you said, and thus I could not provide you with an adequate response. Please accept my apologies for not being truly awake at that hour. Instead, I offer this posting as the thorough, thought-out response that your comment deserves.

Before I get started, I would like to point out that I had to refrain from barfing on you. I am not kidding - I mean this in a most literal sense. Part of my nausea may have been caused by drinking four glasses of milk this morning before I left the house, but certainly the majority was caused by your stupidity. No matter the cause of the nausea, you should keep that in mind. You may be walking on thin ice when speaking to pregnant women.

Allow me to outline the reasons for which multiple year long pregnancies would be a bad idea for the human race. First, I would like you to know that pregnancy is an endurance sport. It is tiring. Of my approximately 700 different muscles, I would say that probably 650 of them are tired already. I am not even in the home stretch, and I am exhausted. The largest complaints come from my back & my bladder, but rest assured there will be more, greater complaints filed by my uterus and other unmentionable muscles come September. I will spare you the details.

Secondly, I would like to tell you that aside from tiredness, pregnancy causes some very weird side affects. I spent weeks barfing. The sight and smell of Glad scented garbage bags still triggers my gag reflex. Every time I go for a walk my hands and feet swell up like nobody's business. I cannot sleep through the night because either my bladder is bursting or my hips are angry. I have acne, and even worse than that I also am starting to get backne. These breakouts are uncontrollable and I am not allowed to use typical acne medications. Every two weeks I must go to the doctor, who does not refrain from pushing on my bladder, squeezing my boobs, and asking about my bowel movements. Every visit I must pee in a cup and have my weight charted out in bright red ink. Gain too little? Surely I must be starving my baby. Gain too much? I am going to be a cow for the rest of my life. There is no winning. My stomach has gotten hairy. It is a gross but true fact that I am so ashamed of my hairy stomach that I have, indeed, shaved it. I wanted to go swimming, but when it came to shaving for that... Well, lets just say I couldn't see down there anymore, and I am not about to blindly grope with a razor. Again, I will spare you the details.

I have freaky dreams. A lot of them involve talking animals, and I am not dropping acid or anything. My sense of restraint is gone. If I see an ad for a Big Mac on TV, I will immediately have one. Even if I don't like Big Macs all that much, it is still necessary. If there is an ad for starving children in Africa, I will feel like it is my personal responsibility to feed every single one of them. I hide my wallet in my glove box during times like those, so as to avoid shelling out every cent I have to my name. It can be trying, to say the least.

Third, there are far less personal and more practical reasons that years of pregnancy would suck. Doctor bills. Who would want to pay years' worth of doctor bills? No one. I have seen so many bills already that if I were to cut them into strips, I could make a paper chain long enough to decorate the Rockafeller Christmas tree. Prenatal vitamins alone would run up a princely sum. Also, please consider how large a baby could grow if it were left alone for 2+ years. People are already ahving 13 pound babies - anything larger simply could not be tolerated by the human frame. To put it crudely, think of the episiotomies. I see how men cringe when the word vasectomy or circumcision is mentioned, and those procedures don't even involve pushing a 9 pound object through the wound or the expectation that you will be up and about the next day caring for a newborn. Also, please consider all of the stretching that is done. As scary as it is to think, it is possible to break things beyond repair, and nobody wants that.

Years long gestational periods aren't even working for the elephants. In case you ahven't noticed, they're sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. All habitat and poaching issues aside, elephants (and gorillas, whales, and sharks too) are getting screwed over by their low birth numbers. They can't make babies fast enough to replace the ones that are dying. If you truly were a fan of the human race, you would hope for shorter gestation.

Lastly, you are not a woman. Therefore, any comments regarding pregnancy should be kept to yourself unless they are either A.) offers to help me out or B.) complimentary in nature. I am not responsible for your safety if you do not change your ways and you incur the wrath of another pregnant lady. You have been warned.

So, thanks a lot, Mr., for wishing that the human race has to carry around their offspring for years in utero. I'll leave your name & number at the OB/GYN clinic. I'm sure all of the swollen, barfy women there would love to talk to the brilliant man who wants their swollen barfyness to last three times as long.

Sincerely,
Andi & Babyzilla

Damn you, Swine Flu.

Damn you, you evil virus.

So... I finally talked to Jared tonight. I'm not too happy with what he had to say. Apparently half of his coworkers have swine flu. I mean, sorry, H1N1 whatever whatever flu. Jared isn't sick, but he has to cover for all of the people who are, and he is quarantining himself away from me so he doesn't get me and Babyzilla sick. So... no hanging out with Jared this weekend or next week because I have to work in the office.

I hung out with those people on Monday so hopefully my crappy immune system doesn't choose now to fail me. Not like its ever failed me in the past... not like when I had pneumonia or anything... or the 17 million times I've gotten strep. Or even the time I got that mystery rash...

I haven't been feeling in top shape this week but I'm reasonably sure I'm not coming down with the ol' H1N1. I'm going to the doctor anyway though, so I'll let her know and she can give me extra needle stabs if she wants to investigate.

Jared is more likely to get sick than I am because 1. He has been around the infected people lots more 2. I think he drank after some people at the cabin and 3. He has been eating crappy food and getting less than adequate sleep. I don't want him to get sick for a lot of reasons, but part of that is just that I don't want to have to deal with that whole thing. I mean, of course I love him and I want him to be healthy.... its just, also, I don't want to have to figure out what to do if he does get sick. I feel guilty for saying that, but its true.

Normally I'd just say, well... Its no big deal. Things'll work out and there isn't much I can do to change things anyway. But now that I have BZ floating around in me, I probably shouldn't go near anyone. Even though last week I was saying how he'd have a 90% change of being fine if he were born now, I don't really want to test that. One of the things H1N1 supposedly does is cause premature labor... Why? I don't know. The CDC website is rather cloudy on a lot of those questions. Its probably just one of those things where its better to be safe than sorry...

But seriously. Swine flu? What the heck?

Chalk that up to another reason why I don't care for his job much...