Saturday, March 5, 2011

Doctor's visit.

I went in to the doctor's office again yesterday to try and figure out what's going on with me. I've been feeling tired in the afternoons. I want to take a nap every day. I wake up feeling alert and refreshed, but then I get to the afternoon and I'm tired. I can keep busy, I can eat snacks, I can be just sitting around resting... no matter what, I still get tired.

I thought I'd get my thyroid and iron checked to make sure it's okay. That kind of thing runs in the family, and I thought it'd be a good thing to test for anyway.

But when I walked into the clinic, the doctor didn't even want to test it. She wanted to say I was fine, that I'm just tired because I have a 1.5 year old son at home. She, like another doctor before her, said I have PCOS as soon as I told her I don't get any periods.

But the more I'm told that, the less I'm sure. No one has ever investigated further to really make sure that's the case. She didn't want to do any testing to double check her diagnosis, which made me feel bad. I had to ask for the testing specifically, and she still tried to wave me away. She was very nice and I don't think she meant to brush off my concerns, but it still made me feel stupid. It is really hard for me to stand up to doctors and people like that. I don't like causing problems, even when I know something isn't a big deal and that I should just suck it up and do it.

I do have a couple of the symptoms for PCOS, but nowhere near all of them. And my symptoms match up to some other things just as well if not better. I'm secretly hoping that my results come back abnormal so that they can do more testing and find something to help me. I don't want them to just stamp "PCOS" on my file again and tell me there is nothing they can do.  If they do finally come to that diagnosis after ruling out everything else, then fine. But I hate wondering if that's really what's really wrong with me.

And worse yet, if it is PCOS... well, pretty much there is nothing to be done about it. If we want to have another kid, it'll probably take a long time. I'll have to diet and exercise as hard as I am now for the rest of my life.  If I don't, I'll become obese and diabetic by the time I'm 35.

And then I'll die young.

I shouldn't have to be worried about dying when I'm 22. I feel like there is no way I can keep up the effort I'm making right now indefinitely. How can I mentally keep up the determination to be on a strict diet and exercise regimen for... forever? How can I push myself to be healthy when even my doctor admitted I'll probably be at least a little overweight for the rest of my life? "It's just too hard for most people," she said.

When she said that, it made me cry.

Why would she even say that to me? I don't want that to be true. I don't want to sit here and feel like everything I'm doing is pointless, if I'm just going to be fat and unhealthy anyway. I want to think that she's wrong and that I'll bring myself back to a healthy weight, but it's hard when I'm still feeling so down about the whole experience.

It would be terrible if my goal was always to settle for "less fat than you are" instead of "healthy weight."

I feel like I shouldn't be this bothered by it. After all, I don't have cancer or anything. I don't need surgery. Most people will look at me and think there's nothing wrong with me. In the big picture, even if I am a little fat, I'm still by and large okay.

I'm just going to take this afternoon to mope about it and take a bath. After that, I'm going to put it out of my head until the results come back. My worrying can't change anything, anyway.

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