He won a fish.

Wedding stuff has had me so crazy that I don't even recognize myself.  My dress is probably ruined. The cake order was screwed up. There is family drama. Last minute vendor scrambles. Money issues. I am having a hell of a time planning for just ONE day. That's all it is. One day. You'd think I could handle that, right? Right. I can handle that. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll handle that.

But for today I'm going to ignore that and eat pizza. I assembled some IKEA furniture and played cars with Oliver instead of doing table numbers. Or guest lists. Or seating charts. Or anything, for that matter.

Last weekend was my father's coin sale so we were helping out there. Sorting coins out isn't really a thrilling activity, but it was probably just what I needed. It took enough mental alertness that my mind couldn't wander to wedding stuff, but it was easy enough that I didn't feel stressed. When we closed up our booth, we went out and enjoyed the church carnival food and games. Oliver cheated a little bit, but he won a goldfish. (He named it Fishy.) I ate nachos and raced Jared through an inflatable obstacle course. It was nice.

Today we stayed in the air conditioning and played cars on his new (rummage saled) road map rug. I had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning because from the moment I woke up I was thinking...

Too much to do.
What will happen with my dress?
I need to do laundry.
I need to do dishes.
Do we have the money to pay Doobie's ER bill?
Have to refill Doobie's prescription.
My head hurts.
There are no groceries in the house.

And on and on. I couldn't stop thinking about stuff so that, instead of sleeping in, I was just lying in bed thinking of everything that wasn't right and that needed fixing.  In my rational brain, I know nothing is wrong. I know that even if the whole wedding is a catastrophe, it will be a success as long as we're married at the end of the day. I know that in the end nobody is going to remember the table numbers or the cake flavors or anything like that. I know all of that and yet I can't convince myself to behave like I know that.

I'm freaking out and I'm falling behind. My diet has been terrible and I've probably gained back some weight I worked so hard to lose. The laundry is so piled up that I'd bet we have at least 7 loads.  We need to grocery shop but I'm loathe to spend money, even though I know groceries are a necessity.

I'm trying to let these things go and just do what needs doing, but I can't.

For instance, I knew this morning that I should just get up and start working but I couldn't make myself get out of bed. I was stuck there, adding item after item onto my mental to do list. The more I added, the more inclined I was to bury myself under the covers.  Getting started is so hard.

But tomorrow, at least I have a plan. I'm going to my silly old lady aqua aerobics class. I'll talk with Martha about her bunions and hear Eunice's arthritis-based weather predictions. I'm going to sit in the hot tub for ten minutes before showering. I'm going to drive home with my happy iPod mix playing. Then, I'm going to watch Oliver during Jared's phone interview. I'm going to go to the seamstress' shop and see if I can't salvage anything from my wedding dress. I'm going to come home and do laundry and clean the house back up to a reasonable standard of living.

Tomorrow I will get back on track. But tonight I am going to feed the fish and go to bed early.