Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Breast milk, the snake oil of 2010?

I like my hippie doctor. Really, I do.. but when she starts telling me to use my own breastmilk to clear up my backne, I think I start to question her judgement. She referred me to this site and I was freaked out. A lot. Let me share with you my own opinions.

Ways to use breastmilk, according to hippies and La Leche League junkies:

1. Treat pink eye. I can see this in an infant. It is a bit gross in theory, but hey.. I'd try it. On myself? On another person? Ew.

2. Mosquito bite, acne, eczema, and rash relief. This is also gross. But again... in an infant? Maybe I'd do it. Maybe. But I definitely wouldn't tell anyone about it.

3. Facial cleanser. As in, on your face. As in, replace your Oil of Olay with secretions from your own body. Yeah, I didn't think so either.

4. Treat sore throats and mouth sores. Ew. I am not drinking my own milk. I am definitely not "swishing" around a mouthful of breastmilk to treat a canker sore or something. Disgusting.

5. Immunity boost. Forget the extra buckwheat shots in your smoothies at Jamba Juice. I will just give you a shot glass full of my own warm, creamy breastmilk.

6. Heal scratches, burns, and scrapes. Like Bactine, but it doesn't sting! Or does it? Who knows, because I am not willing to try this one out.

The list goes on and on... Chicken pox, leg ulcers (!?!), cracked lips, contact lens solution.... All bizarre manner of things that breast milk can be used to treat. The site even mentions the ways in which donor breast milk is used by doctors. (Turns out I should have requested a wetnurse when I got pneumonia a couple of years ago.)

But, the mother of all weird uses? Read this excerpt yourself, becasue I have nothing more to say.

"Sexual Lubricant: Males can squirt the breast milk directly onto the penis in order to use as a lubricant during sexual intercourse. Females can hand express the milk into a sterile cup in order to do this. Breast milk can be used the same as a couple would use Vaseline, KY Jelly, or Astroglide."

No witty remarks necessary, I think this one can stand alone.

(P.S. I would like to add that you should really read that snake oil ad. It has some great advertising that would really make me wnat to buy it. "The strongest and best linement known for pain and lameness!" and "Good for everything a liniment ought to be good for!" Priceless.)

1 comment:

  1. That is hilarious! I agree with you on uses for breastmilk, haha!