House, you're getting on my nerves.

I got so mad at doing house-related stuff that I thought I would take a break and read a magazine. We get Parents magazine for free, and I thought it would be a nice mindless read.  Well, it was mindless. Too mindless. I pity the people who actually read that magazine and follow its advice.

I learned that I'm supposed to lock up: VCRs, toilets, the silverware drawer, cotton balls and other bathroom items, all appliances, the fridge, and practically everything else in the house. The magazine suggested "buying furniture that is round, without any corners" to avoid the risk of "impaling toddlers." But wait! Think you should go out and buy big, cushy furniture? Think again! "Potentially hazardous items" could get lost in the couch cushions and fall into the hands of your toddler, who no doubt is going to immediately attempt to throw it down the hatch to either be poisoned by it or choke on it.

Every time your guests leave, you're supposed to vacuum under the chairs and couches in case they drop anything harmful.  Have a rolling office chair? Tape pool noodles to the feet of it. Because that will totally be worth it and achieves... what? I don't even know.

Have gliding drawers or keyboard trays? Get rid of them. Buy new ones! You can afford that, right? They could pinch your precious toddler's fingers, and he'd never get over that. Are there parts of the house you can't see from certain locations? Channel a parking garage and install mirrors throughout the house so your house won't have any blind spots! Ever!

Can you imagine how crazy you would think somebody was if you walked into her house and found everything padded, locked up, and cornerless? How would you feel when you realized there were strategic mirrors placed all around so she could keep her eye on every corner of the house?  Ridiculous. That sounds like a nutso to me.


See somebody give her toddler a little bag of pretzels? Call CPA. Doesn't every great parent know that kids are never allowed to handle bags of any kind?

Sure, I get that you need to take some steps to protect your children. Yeah, lock up chemicals. Lock up sharp things. But whats wrong with watching your child? Or simply teaching your child that there are boundaries they can't cross and things they can't do? After all, this article was written for children 2+, not for babies who don't know any better.

It's a wonder Oliver is even alive when you consider that I did almost none of that stuff.