Monday, April 16, 2012

Comment about my belly button and I will punch you in the face.

I am to that point of pregnancy where people think they can just say/do whatever they want and it's totally cool. For example: "Hey! Don't mind me. I will stop you from doing what you're doing to tell you all about my horrific labor and delivery story! Don't let me forget the part about my 6 inch episiotomy!!"

Or, "Hey lady! Isn't being pregnant  a mystical supernatural event that just lifts you off the plane of this universe and allows you to reach your true Earth Goddess Mother potential?!!"

The most common exclamation I get is the ever-popular, "WHOA, THERE. You look like you're about to pop at any second now! Let that baby out!"

Haha. Hahahahaha.

Those people are so funny. I have never heard that joke before. Please, continue with your witticisms and make the comment about my belly button popping out. That must mean that the baby is done cooking, right?! That one never gets old. That's comedic gold right there!

That last one is my favorite because it's like they're trying to tell me something I don't know. As if I'm not aware that this thing has been growing in me for the last 9 months and it should come out pretty soon. As if I'm not very keenly aware that my massive girth is skewing the rotation of the earth and knocking cans of Ro-Tel off of supermarket shelves.

Amen, I say to you, I am way more aware than you are that I am huge and that this thing needs to come out. Thanks for the gentle and tactful reminder.

Women are usually guilty of these things more often than men, and they often cite some sort of common-bond of womanhood law as an excuse to tell me whatever they want.

All women also get their periods, but nobody talks about that. No one sees an awkward 12 year old growing boobs and pulls her aside to say, "Listen, when I was growing my boobs I went to see Dr. Hansburg and he was so wonderful!"

EVERYBODY in the world poops yet nobody ever walks into the stall next to you and is like, "One time I took a dump so massive it made my large intestine bleed."

There are so many "common bond" things that humans have, so why is the pregnant condition so different that everyone must bring it up and compare stories? Why is it okay to bring up such personal stuff with somebody you happen to run into in the produce section? Long answer short: it's not okay. It's gross.

Somebody (besides my doctor) has asked me point blank how much I weigh. Multiple people have asked me how much weight I've gained with this pregnancy. A mall walker asked to see my stretch marks. An obese drive-thru worker gasped and commented, "OH, WOW." when she saw my belly resting on my lap, as if mine was so much more remarkable than her own gut. A worker in a lingerie store told me she could feel my baby's strong aura. At least half a dozen people have asked what gender the baby is and then commented, "I knew it! I could tell because your stomach is hanging so low/high/compact/wide/lopsided."

I couldn't even count the number of people who have asked if I will be breastfeeding, will I have a natural childbirth, how long was my previous labor, and don't I want a little girl? The birth stories I have heard from people are enough to make a woman want to jab out her uterus with a hot poker.

The worst part is that this madness hasn't just infected passers-by, it's gotten to my family too. Every day I get calls and texts from relatives I usually hear nothing from. Some ask outright if I've had the baby, others are more roundabout in saying, "So... ....Well. What's new with you? ...Anything going on?"

Even more stealthily, some people call to tell me they found some good coupons for Tide and trust them they were calling about the coupons and not to harass me about the baby.

Does everyone in my family think that I will labor quietly in the alley and then hide the baby? Do they think I am just going to show up one day to the family Thanksgiving and shout, "SURPRISE!" when I reveal the 6 month old baby on my hip?

Trust me. When something happens, you will be notified, if only because I can't take another person asking if I "feel anything different yet."


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