Monday, April 23, 2012

I horrify people.

Given that I was due four (I think?) days ago, people are really giving me the look any time I am in public. I went to a gigantic kids' rummage sale FILLED with pregnant ladies and yet I still got the look. I don't know why I don't lie when people ask about my due date. I think from now on I'm just going to lie and say I have another week yet to go.

In fact, I think you should never tell people you are overdue. Their responses are never good. 

"That is going to be a 12 pound baby!" "I guess it could be." "You can't survive that!"

"WHOA! You should sit down."

(looking at stomach) "Doesn't that hurt!?!"  "No." "It hurts me just to look at it."

"Why aren't you in the hospital making that baby come out!?"

"You shouldn't be up and walking around! You should be at home, resting!"

Sometimes people don't say much that's offensive, but instead get this demeanor about them that suggests their newest, biggest fear is my water breaking all over their Nikes. Or maybe that my baby will suddenly, without warning, start crowning and they will be forced to tie off the umbilical cord with their shoelaces and rush me and my gooey, gory newborn to the nearest ER for evaluation.

If I really wanted them to freak out, I could tell them that I've been having weird irregular contractions since Thursday night.  I could tell them that I've lost my mucus plug. (Yes, that is really a term medical people use with a straight face.) I could tell them I'm walking around 5 cm dilated and can you believe my cervix is this ripe?

 But no, I am trying to be nice and not freak people out. So I'll just smile and accept their dumb comments with the minimum amount of sarcasm I can issue. I am so nice to people.

(For the record, if you ever actually were in a situation that demanded you deliver a baby, here is what you do: pretty much nothing. Basically, your job would be to not run away and maybe call an ambulance. Be a visible object for the woman to shout obscenities at, if need be. If the baby starts falling out, don't let it drop a long distance to the floor. Cover the baby with a sweater or towel or something warm-ish while the mom holds it.

That is about it.

I swear, you don't need to gnaw the cord off. You don't even need to cut it at all. You don't have to reach into anybody's vagina and pull a baby out. You don't need any machines, knowledge of babies, or medical degrees. You just need to not be an idiot. Tell the lady she's doing a good job and then let her work her magic uterus muscles until that baby comes out. It might be some secret that doctors don't want you to know, but having a baby is typically no big deal. It just sorta happens. It hurts a lot. It is really gross. And it super sucks. But then it sorta resolves itself. Case closed.

But I guess that would make for a terribly boring scene in a movie, right?)

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