I set up Mom & Dad's internet yesterday so they let me borrow their portable cell phone internet card thing. It doesn't get the best reception here, so sometimes I've got to wait a few minutes to get at what I want but its wayy better than nothing. Jared's job is to call Comcast tomorrow so maybe we'll have wonderful internet soon. (But don't hold your breath. Jared hates calling strangers as much as I do.)
Last night was a loong night. I was awake for almost all of it. At about 4 AM I started going crazy because all I could do was stare at the little red light on the TV and be uncomfortable. The only thing I could think about how just about 99% of the world seems to think I'm doing something wrong.
I know thats not true, but at 4AM when I was battling with satanic Panasonic LED light,I was first in line to believe it. I had to get up and do some neurotic kitchen cleaning just to take my mind off of it. I was feeling pretty bad about myself, because I feel like I suck so much in comparison to every pregnant lady at the doctor's office, grocery store, etc.
The first thing I do when I see another pregnant lady is assess whether or not she has a wedding ring. Most do. If by chance they don't, I make excuses for them guessing that maybe their fingers are too swollen to wear rings. After years and years of Catholic school, I'm bound to feel at least a little bit guilty but I thought I'd be over it by now. I'm not. I've had a lot of strangers comment on my ring-less finger, so its made me even more self conscious. Sometimes people try to be nice about it, but other times people are openly apalled that I've even dared to show my face in public. In the last couple of months I've started lying to people, giving them the line about my fingers being too puffy for a ring. I just can't say that I'm single without wanting to cry anymore. Its stupid, and I know I shouldn't care but I still do.
After the ring assessment, I go straight on to judge how "grown up" they are. I always feel like a kid in comparison to everyone else in the OB's waiting room. Everyone else has years on me age-wise, and the ones that don't always seem so much more together somehow. They have blackberries, they're wearing kitten heels and their make up is perfect at 8:00 in the morning. They schedule their next appointments around their work schedules, and they all sit together reading Oprah's magazine or Better Homes & Gardens. I've never once seen anyone else go for the National Geographic like I do. No one else seems to show up in flip flops, and I'm willing to bet they're not wearing rummage sale clothes like I often am.
Don't get me wrong - when I'm thinking clearly I'm pretty proud of how well I've done so far. I've come a long way in preparing to have the baby. I'm pretty confident in everything I've got in place so far. I don't really mind the rummage sale clothes, I bet most people can't tell anyway. I don't get embarressed when I'm the person in line using all of the newspaper coupons. I'm really proud of myself when I find a good deal on craigslist. I sometimes have a lot of fun being cheap, but at times I do get jealous of the people who have it all. Sometimes I lose my perspective and I feel like everyone in the world is watching me and waiting for me to fail.
Because really, I don't know what I'm doing, and failure seems to be the easiest, most available outcome sometimes. I'm still so excited about having my own place, and I still feel a sense of grown-up accomplishment when I write out the rent check. I like going grocery shopping because I finally get to make whatever I want whenever I want. All of these things make me happy, but at the same time they make me feel kiddish and stupid. I feel like if I really were grown up, I'd dread all of those chores instead of relishing how responsible they make me feel. I'm scared that I'm doing everything so fast that I won't be able to do it all when I have the baby, and thats the worst time I could fail, when somebody else is so completely depending on me.
Even scarier is the thought that I'm so young and inexperienced, but yet my family is so old. Last night I thought a lot about people in my family dying, especially my parents. I felt like if my parents were to be gone, I'd be all alone. I know its not true but I feel like I couldn't take care of myself if I were to wake up without them tomorrow. With my parents being so much older than most of my friends' parents, I've always kind of thought about that in the back of my head but its a lot scarier now that I'm supposed to take care of my own baby. Taking care of myself on my own is a lot different than taking care of myself and my son on my own. I still feel like I need my mommy there to teach me everything. I don't know how I can ever be as good as my mommy was to me.
I never even realized how good she was to me until I stayed at a friend's house while Mom & Dad were on vacation. I got really sick with the flu. My friend's mom didn't bring me Sprite and she didn't come in to check on me. She didn't bring me a healthy lunch on a little plastic plate and she didn't ever come in just to sit on the edge of the bed and ask how I was doing. My mom used to read on the floor in the hallway when I had a hard time staying in bed by myself, and lots of times she would stay there a long long time. She was always the advocate for me when my older sister teased. She let me ride in the front seat sometimes.
One time in the summer, she packed a lunch for us and we hiked up the bluff in Hixon Forest. I was so tired and I thought for sure I wasn't going to make it to the top but when we did I remember thinking, "Yeah, my mom is the coolest in the world." We ate peanut butter & jelly sandwiches with butter on them. Later, I started hating that she buttered my sandwiches but I think then I was young enough that I didn't even know there was any other way to make PB&J.
All of these things seem small and stupid but its easy to remember them and feel good. Even when I was in trouble and I was sent to my room, I sang a song which always started, "I love my Mommy, she's really nice." The rest of the verse was pretty much me making up nice things my mom did for me, and it didn't have any set tune but the "I love my Mommy" part was really the hook of the whole song. I sang it a lot until my sister heard me one time and never stopped teasing me about it.
But, how am I supposed to compare to that? How am I supposed to be able to do all of those things that made me love my mommy so much when I can't do half of the stuff she can? Her laundry always smells better, she makes the bed so much neater, and she's always always always kind to everyone. I just don't know how I can do all those little things that are so important to kids when I'm trying to figure out so much other stuff like school and a job. I wonder how to do all of that when I'm lying awake staring at that damn red light.
But ANYWAY. I know this post is long and it doesn't make much sense. I was going to go back and edit a lot of it, but I thought that'd take away some of its meaning. I know its been a long time since I've really posted, so here are the updates some of you might have missed. Other than this, I'm just waiting for him to come.
1. I went in for an ultrasound at panicky doctor's request and the baby looks good. He got an 8/8 score, and as of Monday he was guessed to be anywhere between 7-9 pounds. Thats good becasue it looks like his growth has slowed so he won't be the 10 pounder I feared.
2. I've started on the robots in his room. They're about halfway done and I love them.
3. I've unpacked a few more boxes, but I still have osme left. If they're not done by the time he comes I'm going to make Jared hide them in the basement so I can pretend they're not there.
4. I've only got 6 more days left until his due date and everyone is getting anxious, except for me. I'm pretty much willing to sit back and wait. Everyone else thinks he is going to come out in approximately the next hour from whenever I've last seen him/her.
I've sort of half packed a hospital bag, but I unpacked my camera and video camera so we can document some of this experience. I'll post photos here and on facebook for all of you people who are far away.
Now I'm going to go to bed and hope I sleep better than last night. Thanks for listening. :)