Thursday, December 10, 2009
I'm up tonight because Jared wanted to talk about where he wants to go to law school and it made me feel sad. I want to be excited for him, really I do, but thinking about leaving Minnesota is hard for me to swallow. I don't know what to say to him so that I don't discourage him. I know we can't stay here. The last thing I want is for himt o feel like we have to stay here.
And I know I can make a home anywhere we go. I will do it. I know that I can and I will. But its just that I know I'll miss here when I'm gone. This is home to me. More home to me even than Wisconsin where I spent most of my life. When I was growing up my mom and dad would always drive me here on weekends to visit my sisters. I always imagined this as the best place ever. The Twin Cities were my fantasy fairytale land. I knew I would grow up and live here and be free. LaCrosse was so oppressive and small. I hated school there. I ahted that when flipping through the phone book I'd eaten at almost every restaurant listed. Sure, LaCrosse was pretty to look at but it got old fast. Minneapolis was always the light at the end of the tunnel I deserved for putting up with high school and the small circles fo closed minded people.
As soon as I got my license I was driving here with my friends almost every other weekend. They all thought it was cool that I knew my way around. It felt great to be able to have my own "spot" even if my "spot" was the whole city. I was so proud picking Jared up in the airport for the first time and actually knowing my way around. I was proud to show off the city. I was a damn good ambassador. Coming to school here just made so much sense, and it is one of the best decisions I've ever made.
And living here has been great. I feel safe here. I enjoy city life without all of the scary parts and crime and dirt. Minnesota is so beautiful. The people are friendly. I love the snow. I like walking outside in the winter when it smells so cold and sharp outside. I like how so many people in the neighborhoods ahve fireplaces going and you can smell the wood smoke. I like how quiet it is at nighttime after a big snowfall. I like how the sky is sometimes orange at night. Even though it gets dark and cold I don't feel like this is a lonesome place.
In the summer time the city is gorgeous. It smells like grass and dirt and sunshine. There are trees everywhere. People grow nice lawns. The houses within the city are unique and full of character. The neighborhood streets are lined with trees. There are eclectic cafes and little gift shops all over in the different neighborhoods. Couples walk their dogs and rollerblade around the lakes. People are everywhere but they all seem friendly.
And Jared wants to move someplace completely new. Its scary to go away from everyone I know. If he wanted to move to Florida, I would understand. It would be easier for me to at least be around his family. But he is talking places like California, Chicago, New York. Places where I don't know anyone. It sounds scary and lonely to me. I'm not very good at making new friends. I'm especially nervous about meeting new people now that I have Oliver.
I just don't want to be lonely. I don't want to go away from my family. I don't want them to feel like I've abandoned them. I don't want to go somewhere without good bratwursts and cheesecurds and state fairs. Happy cows don't come from California because they're too busy living here.
Please don't think that I'm complaining. I just want a chance to air my grievances tonight so that tomorrow I can psych myself up for a new adventure and be there to encourage Jared. I know I can do it. I want to do it. I have everything I could ever need and I will be happy no matter where we go. Just because I say so.