How dare you Sarah Lee.

Sarah Lee has been trying to screw me over. She thinks I'm stupid. I'm on to her.

Buying bread has always been a sort of dilemma in this household. Me? I like wheat. With birdseedy like pieces in it. Fiber tastes good, what can I say. Jared? Not so much. He is more of a Wonder Bread kind of guy. So we try to find thigns in between... smooth 100% whole grain, honey wheat.. those kinds of things.

Last week we picked up Sarah Lee's 45 calorie honey wheat bread. All I can say is... SHAM! The only difference between the 45 calorie honey wheat and hte regular honey wheat? A thinner slice! Honestly, Sarah.. who do you think you're kidding? Certainly not me.

Sadly, Sarah isn't the only offender. V8 has also been trying to pull the wool over my eyes. We buy V-Fusion because its a cheater's way of eating vegetables. I was searching for some good flavors, and I picked up the "Lite" version of the juice... And I wondered what made it "Lite" flavored. Hmm.. MORE WATER! Yes, it has 50% less sugar and all that jazz, bceause it is 50% water instead of 100% juice!

Jared complains that it takes me too long to shop. This is why. These fools have forced my hand. I must read labels now. I am that person.

I must be cautious. Even my own child is trying to trick me. He makes farts so juicy sounding that I am certain I need to change him... Smells like a poop, sounds like a poop.. should be a poop, no? Apparently not. This baby has farts so explosive, with such mature timbre and perfect pitch... you'd think you were in a nursing home after bean burrito night.

Something else tricky about him? He does things that make me all excited, and then refuses to do them again. Ever. Like razzing. You have no idae how happy that crazy noise made me. He did it probably 3-4 days in a row several times a day. Now..? Nothing.

Rolling over from his back to his stomach? He had that down for over a week. These past 5 days? Nope. The only rolls I've been seeing are on The Biggest Loser.

"Lau" has been replaced with "Ah-OOoooo" which I find sort of creepy. Sounds like he is saying "ow' all the time and/or howling at the moon like a werewolf. He keeps switching things up with me and I can't keep track of what he's doing.

His new skill? Sitting. I sit him up inside his little boppy pillow and he balances for maybe 3 seconds before falling over. I find that highliy impressive. If you let him hold your fingers to balance, he can sit almost indefinably. But will this last? Who knows.

I still have no internet.

I got a lot of responses on my last half-finished post. If I accidentally publish too early, all of you email subscribers only receive what was first published and you aren't notified when I edit the post and complete it. So... there was more than asking about my baby stinking in tha tlast post, if you're interested.

I was trying to think of Christmas lists for me/Jared. It is ahrd. Most of the stuff I want is stupid, but unbelievably cool. Take these zen blocks, for instance. What a great coffee table interest. It would be the most entertaining thing in our house since there is no TV in our living room. But... at the same time.. do I need them? Not at all. I just want them. Sometimes I'm a bit silly like that.

Something more useful that we'd enjoy would be a TV converter box for the living room. I'm still a bit bitter about that, though. We sent away for the govt coupons but we didn't get them. I suspect a neighbor stole them.

SPEAKING OF NEIGHBORS... We are responsible for them not receiving cable anymore. We had an appointment to set up our internet last Friday. The guy came out and went to hook up our cables and realized that everyone in the building was using our connection point for their cable/internet. They were paying for their service, but they were hooked up in our spot.

So when we went to order internet, the guy had to put a filter on our jack so that we wouldn't be able to receive cable... BUT, since our neighbor is using our jack, he got his cable filtered out. Oops! Take that for clogging around during your parties while I'm trying to sleep!

Now, get this... He came out and installed everything, and our INTERNET STILL ISN'T WORKING. He said he had the internet up and running but we were busy doing other stuff so we didn't check it. We just assumed that since he said it was working, it was working. Well.. nope. It isn't. So he has to come out AGAIN to fix it. This is probably attempt #573 to get internet here. THis is ridiculous.

On another note... Oliver refuses to eat. He'll just sit on my boob and ahve a good time not eating. I can leave him on for 45 minutes and he won't eat. SO..... fun. At least we're going in to the doctor the day after tomorrow. Maybe he'll whip O's butt back into nursing shape.

PS - We went doorbusting and got some great deals. TAKE THAT YOU LAZY SCOFFERS WHO MADE FUN OF US. We won't let you play with our new toys.

Interview with my baby

Q: Why do you stink?
A: I poop all over myself at least twice a day. There are nooks and crannies in my thighs no wipe can reach. Accept that I will stink, sometimes as early as 6 hours after giving me a bath. Thus, you should not attempt to give me baths. Ever. Because seriously, I don't like them.

Q: Why is your hair all matted 5 minutes after I brush it?
A: I am trying to roll my own dreadlocks by thrashing my head about from side to side in my crib. You are interfering with my style. Please cease all brushing activities.

Q: Why can't you hold your own pacifier?
A: Why should I? You pick it up for me every time I cry for it. What are you there for if not for serving my every need?

Q: Would you please stop thrashing your head about when my nipple is in your mouth?
A: No. I do what I want, woman. Don't even think about trying to pull me off because I will clamp down harder than you could ever imagine. Do you want me to rip your nipple to shreds? No? Then allow me to thrash my head!

Q: Why do you poop out hte sides of your diapers?
A: I am not satisfied with your outfit choice. It must be changed.

Q: Might we create some sort of a routine wherein I am allowed to eat breakfast maybe 3-4 times a week?
A: Yes. I see no problem with that. So long as you are holding me, making direct eye contact, and playing with me AT ALL TIMES while you are eating, then, yes.. By all means, eat.

Q: Could you please consider spending some time by yourself when you're awake?
A: No.

Q: Please? I'll leave you fun toys to play with.
A: No.

Q: Pretty please?
A: No.

Q: ... but
A: NO.

Christmas List

Promised a few people I'd give them Christmas lists, so here is Oliver's first. I'll give you mine & Jared's later.

OLIVER:
-Long sleeved onesies 3-6 & 6-9 months. He prefers bold or primary colours to pastels. He says he's not a baby anymore.
-Footed sleepers 3-6 & 6-9 months. But not hte ones with the hand covers because he likes his hands free.
-Baby jeans 3-6 & 6-9 months.
-Flexible soft soled shoes 6-9 (Robeez makes good ones, but there must be cheaper equally cute ones somehere.) Gripper slipper socks would work well on the wood floors, too.
-Baby food making set up. I've been recommended this one by a friend, and its available either through Amazon or Target. It gives age appropriate recipes & shopping guides.
-Food processor to make baby food.
-Small toys that preferably do not make obnoxious noises, but if they must then... Also get some earplugs for me.
-Crib toy to watch while he hangs out in his crib. Don't know how much longer the crib bars will be entertaining. He seems to like mirrors, so maybe that woul dbe a good option?
-Story books to read to him. Eventually we'll have to stop the Stephen King novels because they'll probably freak him out. Can't go wrong with a classic Suess.

...Why don't they make things like that in my size?

I don't know why I even looked at the BabyGap website. Because 1. I can't afford to buy him BabyGap clothes. Honestly... who can? 2. I always judge the people who dress their babies up in BabyGap clothes. Because... Did they seriously spend $50 on that baby dress? and 3. Oliver already has a Christmas outfit anyway.
But then I was reminded of this wonderful sweater, and I thought.. HE NEEDS THAT! Of course, he doesn't... but.. how adorable is that. Llamas!? I would wear that sweater. I love it. (Partially becuase I love llamas. Partially because it is SO FRICKIN' ADORABLE!) But, this time at least I will practice restraint.

I also was looking to scoop up a coat for him for next year because they're on sale. I found one that I LOVE LOVE LOVE but... Should I do it? Get him a coat for next year? I don't know. Sounds kind of like something Crazy Plan Ahead Mom might do, and I don't really know if I want to go there.

This week has been going super awesome. Monday we went to the library and checked out a WORK OUT BABY DANCE VIDEO and enjoyed a little dance. On Tuesday we went to Saint Cloud to visit my friend Robbi. I had a good time just doing nothing. Today I was able to get some more of my Christmas cards done after a baby dancing jam session.

I'm hoping I'll be able to wear the jeans I'm already in with less muffin top for Christmas, and maybe to be able to get into my other pants too. (But first I have to find them. I don't know where they are. Could be a problem.) I've been dreaming about losing weight, btu since I haven't been doing anything to help that I decided I'm going to start. So.. babydance, here we come! I haven't set my goal yet because I'm not sure what is reasonable, but once I do I'm going to post it here so you all can hold me accountable.

Lau to you too.

My baby talks. He says Lau. And Hi, and Coo, and Agblah. I mean really, what other words do you need to know? I think none.

Lau: an indigenousous people that live on the Solomon Islands.
Hi: a salutation of greeting in the English language.
Coo: the call of a pigeon bird.
Agblah: word of unknown origin which means "please remove the feces from my buttocks."

Need any more proof that my baby is a genius? I think not.

We had a good weekend. I got a massage courtesy of my sister on Friday. How come people don't rub my butt more often? On Saturday Jared and I had fun taking Oliver to Target and then driving all the way to Culver's before we deicded Jared had to experience the joy that is Taco John's. Sunday my parents babysat and Jared & I went to have some teppanyaki fun time.

Food time is now. Cannot post any longer. Need food.

Happy 7 weeks.

A couple days ago I walked to McDonald's to rent a movie with Oliver. There was a lady there with a three month old at the counter. She was trying to rock her baby's carseat and find her wallet in the diaper bag at the same time. She really looked like she was going to cry. I wish I could've helped but... its not like I can fish through her diaper bag, and its not like I can hold her baby for her. All I could do was shoot her a nice friendly look to say "don't worry about your baby crying, its no big deal."

I was sitting down drinking my shake when the lady's order came up and she had to figure out how to carry everything to her table. She looked like she was about to cry, so I got up and brought her tray to her table for her. She asked me how old Oliver was, and she seemed surprised when I said he was 7 weeks old. Next she asked me how often I take him out. She explained to me that her baby is almost 3 months old, but she has only been out with him twice because she has such a hard time with her son.

She asked me how I manage to "do it all." I actually laughed when she said that because sometimes I feel like the worst parent in the world. I finished my shake and told her she just has to keep going until she gets better. It was the only advice I could really give her because I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time.

Its hard to admit but a lot of times I just feel like I suck at this. It is hard to keep the house sort of clean and also to take care of myself and Oliver. These past few days have been even harder because Oliver has decided he doesn't want to nurse at all and he was getting dehydrated. How am I supposed to fix that?

Tomorrow I've got an appointment with the lactation specialist to try to work on a solution, so until then I'm just nursing him around the clock and giving him bottles to keep him eating. I know I'll work through this but its frustrating when I feel like I was doing so well with the breastfeeding before. I don't know hwat I did or changed to make that stop and its driving me crazy.

A lot of things have been "driving me crazy" to the extent that I'm going to bring it up at my doctor's appointment on Friday. I'm nervous about telling her. After going all this way and doing so well it is ahrd to say I think something is wrong. Maybe because I don't know ifs omething is wrong. Maybe I'm just having a hard time in a normal, acceptable way. Maybe I'm having a harder time than I should be. I don't know, so I'm going to ask.

I wasn't even going to write this post, but I figure being "real" here online is the best thing I can do. I've told friends that its brave to admit when you need help, so I'd be hipocritical not to tell anyone how I'm feeling. So here's to being real. I'm worried that something is wrong with me.

Because.. its not like I really feel sad. I don't feel sad at all. I'm not even anxious or worried. I know that in the long run things will be okay. I don't neglect Oliver or hurt him or feel like hurting myself. I don't feel hopeless or lonely. But, its more like... I get overwhelmed. I get upset. I get angry. Sometimes when he is refusing to nurse correctly I just want to yell at him and tell him to do it right. I am completely frustrated that I can't control what he does and I just have to take everything and remain cool and collected. Its hard. I just want to scream at him. I don't, but I want to. It makes me feel terrible that I want to. Sometimes I want to scream so much that I just set him down and leave him to cry for a few minutes while I calm down. Does that make me a bad parent? In my head I know it doesn't but it doesn't stop me from feeling like I am.

I can't tell you why I feel like I suck at this. I can't think of any real concrete reasons why I'd be considered "bad" at this. Rationally, I know I'm doing the best I can. So why do I feel like I suck?

I guess I just want to make sure I am doing this right. This is the hardest thing I've ever done but its also the most important thing, so the pressure I'm feeling is enormous. I want him to have a good family, and I want him to remember his childhood as being happy. I want him to love his family even if parts of it are flawed. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to give him a happy place to live because a lot of times when I was younger I was so unhappy. I sometimes hated my family. I hated that they didn't get along because I didn't understand any of it. I wasn't told the reasons why people didn't get along. I still don't know all the reasons why.

But that doesn't matter. I'm at a place where I feel like I can deal with my family reasonably well. I just don't know how to prevent these problems in Oliver's life. I want to make sure he never takes other people's problems personally. I want him to try to help make peace - but not at the expense of his own happiness. I don't want him to be ashamed that our family sometimes sucks. I don't want him to hate Christmas for the 900 different celebrations we have to do with the different disagreeable factions. There were years when I hated Christmas because I hated everyone's drama. I hated feeling stuck in the middle of everything. I don't want him to be stuck like I was.

I just want to make sure that I'm okay so I can give Oliver everything I want to give him. So even though I'm embarressed to admit I don't feel "okay" ... I'm going to do it on Friday anyways. Maybe just writing this will help me out. It might be better just to get it out there no matter how stupid I feel saying it. Maybe I'll tell the doctor all of this and she'll tell me I'm doing just fine. Maybe she'll just tell me I'm normal. Maybe its reasonable to get angry at 2AM, because no matter how upset I am at night I always feel better in the morning. I'm always able to rally my forces to get through the day. Its true that I end up worn down by midnight, and I can get really angry ...but who wouldn't be? Is this normal? Am I coping okay? I don't know, but I'm going to find out. Wish me luck.

The boobster is trying to make me look like an idiot.

Today The Boobster was remarkably well behaved when no one was watching. (Yes. I call him The Boobster. He likes it. I promise.) He was asleep nice and cozy in his Moby wrap when the FedEx guy rang the doorbell, so I naively thought, "Hey, I can go pick up that package and check out my spoils."

The box was huge. Hundreds of diapers and some extra fluff huge. Still, it was relatively light and I was feeling confident. One of my very nice neighbors came in at the exact moment that I was maneuvering to pick up the box and starts getting those crazy eyes that say to me: WATCH OUT! SHE IS GOING TO TRY TO TOUCH YOUR BABY!

She starts talking to me while I'm struggling and then it comes....

"Can I help you? I'll hold him while you take that inside."

NO! YOU CANNOT HOLD HIM! You just got off the creeper bus and I hear the strange noises you make in your apartment, heaven knows where your hands have been!

So I try to play it cool and say, nope, I've got everything. I'm good.

Then Oliver wakes up, stretches, and poops out the side of his diaper with such force that it goes down my shirt, onto my pants, and even onto my box. Neighbor is slightly abhorred, mouth ajar, shocked into silence. She didn't say anything but that look I'm pretty sure expressed the thought: "Shit. What do I do? There is no way I am touching that poop. How do I escape without looking like a complete jerk?"

So then, not wanting to force her into helping me and also not wanting her to touch my baby I start to frantically say over and over:

"Yep! I've got it! No problem. Don't worry, I've got it!"

Yes. I said that. Over and over. With poop on me. And a poopy baby strapped to my front. The perfect picture of somebody who has "got it." She thinks I'm nuts now.

But then after I wrestled mega diaper box into the house and unstrapped the baby from me, I lay him down on the changing table and Oliver laughs at me. He doesn't really laugh yet, but he makes these great screeching noises on rare occaisions of great pleasure. Apparently, pooping on me was a rare occaision of great pleasure.

BUT! It gets better. The kicker of the whole thing is that I completely forgot about it until right now. Jared came home from school and asked what happened today and I said, "Nothing. Today was pretty boring."

This is my life. I get pooped on and humiliated in front of my peers and I say my day was boring. Pah!

I can tell Oliver is going to be one of those "active" children. I put him down in his crib to pee, make breakfast, something momentous like that, etc and he cries. He already "fake cries." I hate when big kids make that obnoxious crying noise like they are really crying, but they aren't. I want to smack them. It is probably the most annoying noise in the world I always wanted to pick up those kids and shake them while screaming, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING! STOP THAT!" (Yeah. I'm a legit parent.)

Well... That is my kid now. He fake cries so I will come pick him up. How do I know he is fake crying? The second he sees me he smiles and kicks his legs to mock me. "Ha! Mom! I totally fooled you. I was totally fine but you came to pick me up anyway! Ha! I win again!"

So now when I need to put him in his crib while he is wide awake, I put the mobile on to distract him. I can usually get through 2 orunds of Mozart's piano concierto before he realizes he isn't being held anymore and wait, he should be being held becuase he should always be held what kind of raw deal is this?

But anyway.. this mobile. It is a love/hate relationship. He loves it. I hate it. There is only so much repeat classical music I can listen to, especially when it is coming out of a plastic speaker box and being replayed through a baby monitor. Oliver loves that infernal mobile so mucht hat he tries to track an individual piece of the mobile and practically gives himself whiplash. I've almost considered filming him watching it and sending it to America's Funniest home videos - his head turning back and forth and back and forth as the mobile spins. He looks ridiculous. I've never done it because... seriously? What kind of people actually send in their videos to that show? Embarressing.

Tips for making an Oliver sleep.

1. Swaddle him, make it tight! If he doesn't look like a little glow worm, you've done it wrong. If he can move his arms, you've done it wrong!

2. Play his alien pod white noise machine. Not only does this relax him, it also stops him from being able to hear me in the kitchen and crying for me. I swear the second he hears me he wants out of his crib.

3. Bounce him up and down 5 minutes before laying him down. He likes it.

4. Make sure his room is on the cool side. If he gets hot, he wakes up and is angry. He likes it cold!

5. Make sure his crib mattress is tilted at an angle, but also make sure that he will not slide down in the night. That makes him angry. I speak from experience.

6. Put him in bed while he is still sort of awake. If I put him donw hwile he is asleep, he wakes up 20 minutes later and is all confused and cries. He might make fake cries for 30 seconds-1 minute, but he stops and goes to sleep for a loong long time.

His sleeping has been going well. For a time he was upset with his reflux, but now that he is feeling better he is sleeping better again. I get 5-7 hours at night, but he doesn't go down for the count until at least midnight.