Q: Why do you stink?
A: I poop all over myself at least twice a day. There are nooks and crannies in my thighs no wipe can reach. Accept that I will stink, sometimes as early as 6 hours after giving me a bath. Thus, you should not attempt to give me baths. Ever. Because seriously, I don't like them.
Q: Why is your hair all matted 5 minutes after I brush it?
A: I am trying to roll my own dreadlocks by thrashing my head about from side to side in my crib. You are interfering with my style. Please cease all brushing activities.
Q: Why can't you hold your own pacifier?
A: Why should I? You pick it up for me every time I cry for it. What are you there for if not for serving my every need?
Q: Would you please stop thrashing your head about when my nipple is in your mouth?
A: No. I do what I want, woman. Don't even think about trying to pull me off because I will clamp down harder than you could ever imagine. Do you want me to rip your nipple to shreds? No? Then allow me to thrash my head!
Q: Why do you poop out hte sides of your diapers?
A: I am not satisfied with your outfit choice. It must be changed.
Q: Might we create some sort of a routine wherein I am allowed to eat breakfast maybe 3-4 times a week?
A: Yes. I see no problem with that. So long as you are holding me, making direct eye contact, and playing with me AT ALL TIMES while you are eating, then, yes.. By all means, eat.
Q: Could you please consider spending some time by yourself when you're awake?
Q: Please? I'll leave you fun toys to play with.
Q: Pretty please?
Q: ... but