Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The boobster is trying to make me look like an idiot.

Today The Boobster was remarkably well behaved when no one was watching. (Yes. I call him The Boobster. He likes it. I promise.) He was asleep nice and cozy in his Moby wrap when the FedEx guy rang the doorbell, so I naively thought, "Hey, I can go pick up that package and check out my spoils."

The box was huge. Hundreds of diapers and some extra fluff huge. Still, it was relatively light and I was feeling confident. One of my very nice neighbors came in at the exact moment that I was maneuvering to pick up the box and starts getting those crazy eyes that say to me: WATCH OUT! SHE IS GOING TO TRY TO TOUCH YOUR BABY!

She starts talking to me while I'm struggling and then it comes....

"Can I help you? I'll hold him while you take that inside."

NO! YOU CANNOT HOLD HIM! You just got off the creeper bus and I hear the strange noises you make in your apartment, heaven knows where your hands have been!

So I try to play it cool and say, nope, I've got everything. I'm good.

Then Oliver wakes up, stretches, and poops out the side of his diaper with such force that it goes down my shirt, onto my pants, and even onto my box. Neighbor is slightly abhorred, mouth ajar, shocked into silence. She didn't say anything but that look I'm pretty sure expressed the thought: "Shit. What do I do? There is no way I am touching that poop. How do I escape without looking like a complete jerk?"

So then, not wanting to force her into helping me and also not wanting her to touch my baby I start to frantically say over and over:

"Yep! I've got it! No problem. Don't worry, I've got it!"

Yes. I said that. Over and over. With poop on me. And a poopy baby strapped to my front. The perfect picture of somebody who has "got it." She thinks I'm nuts now.

But then after I wrestled mega diaper box into the house and unstrapped the baby from me, I lay him down on the changing table and Oliver laughs at me. He doesn't really laugh yet, but he makes these great screeching noises on rare occaisions of great pleasure. Apparently, pooping on me was a rare occaision of great pleasure.

BUT! It gets better. The kicker of the whole thing is that I completely forgot about it until right now. Jared came home from school and asked what happened today and I said, "Nothing. Today was pretty boring."

This is my life. I get pooped on and humiliated in front of my peers and I say my day was boring. Pah!

I can tell Oliver is going to be one of those "active" children. I put him down in his crib to pee, make breakfast, something momentous like that, etc and he cries. He already "fake cries." I hate when big kids make that obnoxious crying noise like they are really crying, but they aren't. I want to smack them. It is probably the most annoying noise in the world I always wanted to pick up those kids and shake them while screaming, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING! STOP THAT!" (Yeah. I'm a legit parent.)

Well... That is my kid now. He fake cries so I will come pick him up. How do I know he is fake crying? The second he sees me he smiles and kicks his legs to mock me. "Ha! Mom! I totally fooled you. I was totally fine but you came to pick me up anyway! Ha! I win again!"

So now when I need to put him in his crib while he is wide awake, I put the mobile on to distract him. I can usually get through 2 orunds of Mozart's piano concierto before he realizes he isn't being held anymore and wait, he should be being held becuase he should always be held what kind of raw deal is this?

But anyway.. this mobile. It is a love/hate relationship. He loves it. I hate it. There is only so much repeat classical music I can listen to, especially when it is coming out of a plastic speaker box and being replayed through a baby monitor. Oliver loves that infernal mobile so mucht hat he tries to track an individual piece of the mobile and practically gives himself whiplash. I've almost considered filming him watching it and sending it to America's Funniest home videos - his head turning back and forth and back and forth as the mobile spins. He looks ridiculous. I've never done it because... seriously? What kind of people actually send in their videos to that show? Embarressing.

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