My midwives and well meaning people are always asking about my "birth plan." I mean.. last time I sorta had a birth plan? Maybe? I guess not really. But at least I felt like birth plans were sort of a valid idea. The second time around, however, I've come to see that "birth plans" are just a load of crap. If your plan is anything other than "Show up at hospital. Try not to rip your crotch open. Have baby. Go home." then I am going to laugh at you.
Something that especially irks me is when people are like, "I've got my birth mix tape all planned. I'm going to have my husband put on track 14 (Enya's Watermark) when the baby is crowning. It will give me that extra inspiration."
Are you serious? I've decided that from now on I'm just going to tell people that my birth mix will consist solely of the Chariots of Fire theme and Rocky's Eye of the Tiger on repeat. That will shut them up.
I also will not be packing an overkill hospital bag. I will bring a change of clothes. I will bring real underwear and an outfit to take the baby home in. I will pack a lot of snacks because hospital food sucks. But that is it. The hospital gives me everything else I could want. This is a 48 hour stay in a hospital, not a weekend getaway to the Four Seasons.
I will not bring 3/4 of the "suggested items" from my OBGYN office checklist. There will not be an inspirational photo to look at during hard times in labor. I'll not have a birthing soundtrack. I will not be bringing any aromatherapy scents. I do not need jewelry, nail polish, or an entire make up bag. I will accept the pillows that they give me. I will wear the slippers they provide. It is just two days, people. And to be honest...? Aside from the food, hospital stuff isn't really that bad anyways. Especially not that bad for two days of getting by.
I guess I'm just not that into this whole birthing experience. I'm not super pysched about the "spiritual journey" or anything like that. I'm not even going to pretend like I could dictate how things will happen when the baby arrives. That's just a joke. Planning your baby's birth might as well be like planning the weather for next Saturday. It's a nice thought, but you're an idiot for trying.
I am just going to show up, have a baby, and go home. That's my plan.