Monday, January 23, 2012

Let's set the lights to "blazing."

Yesterday I realized that sitting in a room while the winter sun goes down is about the most depressing thing a person can do. I was resting from making dinner when I looked out and watched the sky turn greyer and greyer. It  me feel like my energy was evaporating off of me, leaving through the pores in my skin and making me weak. That greyness got into my bones and it made me feel like I'd wasted another day. It was hard to get up after I had been sitting in the mostly-dark for 20 minutes. I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't had dinner already half made.

On some level, I must have always known this. Now that I realize it, I have always been quick to turn on the lights in the afternoon. I don't want to sit in the dark. I know that I can't sit in the dark. I have some dumb feeling in me that says that if I can have all of the lights blazing, I'll get more done. I'll feel better. Things will be easier. I don't know why this is.

Today I almost let it happen again. The darkness almost crept in. I started noticing the  long shadows in the house and realized I hadn't flicked on the light switches yet. I got up and turned all of the lights on. I closed up all of the blinds to trap my precious light inside, to lock the darkness away.

And I know this sounds crazy but that made my wheels start turning again. I remembered the roast marinating in the fridge and pulled it out. I folded the last of the laundry and put it away. I set to right the things Oliver had bumped and moved during the day.  Turning the lights on actually made me feel better. It motivated me to get something done.

Feeling lazy is the biggest thing bothering me right now. I need to find a way to really, truly, get things done. It is so incredibly frustrating not to be able to do anything. If I do too many loads of laundry, I get contractions and I need to sit. If I wake up or stand up too fast, I faint. I really struggle with picking up toys, unpacking boxes, putting away laundry - anything that requires bending over or standing up repeatedly. I feel lame. Like, literally lame. Like I'm the old mare that has to hang out in pasture all day because it doesn't have good feet.

I hate feeling like I can't do anything. I need to find some way of getting things done so I can feel useful again. I need to re-evaluate myself so I can feel like I am accomplishing something even if I can't accomplish what I used to, or if my goals are smaller.

Jared gets up every morning and goes to work. He lifts Oliver for me, he takes out the dog, and he takes out the trash. He brings me snacks in the morning so I can eat before I get up. More than anything, he has something to show for it - every two weeks we get money. We can buy more food. We can pay the bills. We have a place to live, and it's because of him.

And I never used to feel this way. I always felt like an equal partner. I used to feel like taking care of Oliver, putting food on the table and clean laundry in the drawers was enough. But now that I am having a hard time doing even that... Well, it is hard to feel valuable when I just feel fat and tired and lazy. Not just on weekends. Not just in the evenings. Every single day, all day long. I am tired every day, and every night I'm tossing and turning for the pain in my hips and my back.

I feel like being pregnant shouldn't be this hard. I don't feel like I am entitled to this amount of complaining. I didn't feel so worn down when I was pregnant with Oliver. Last time was so much easier.  Or maybe it wasn't, but I was so worried the whole time that I had no choice but to force myself into a whirlwind of activities and chores. Maybe the doubts in my mind kept me from dwelling on my shortcomings as a wife and a homemaker.

In my head, I know this is a temporary problem. I know I'll get over it, but the wait is long and slow.  Knowing something is irrational and letting those irrational thoughts go are two different things.

Especially if I let myself get caught sitting in the dark. I better stock up on light bulbs.

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