Friday, July 3, 2009

LICENTIOUS! (No, Just kidding.)

Because you all asked for it, and I am so awesome... Here it is. My belly @ 30 weeks.

Stare at it now because if you try to stare at it or touch it in person, I will get angry. Also, do not comment on how large/small my stomach is. For every person who tells me it is the size of Texas, I get another person telling me that surely I am only 15 weeks along. I have come to the conclusion that this means that my stomach is TOO PERFECT AND EVERYONE ELSE IS JEALOUS OF IT. Stretch marks and all. I thought about editing them out but then I thought... Nope. Too much work. Let ye gaze in wonder and awe upon my battle wounds.

Also note that it looks like my pants are going to cut off circulation to my lower extremities. I assure you, they aren't. I could make them a notch or two looser but then my pants would always fall down. No matter how perfectly a pair of maternity pants seems to fit, it will still fall low and be in danger of exposing my butt crack to the world. Little cherubs could hand weave my pants for me on a golden loom using organic wool from first born snowy white lambs and they'd still slide down. I've gotten used to this situation with my regular pants, though, so its no biggie. But I still wonder... Is this what its like for those men with a beer gut so huge that they must wear suspenders?

Since Babyzilla is now the big 3-0 I thought I'd update his biography a little:

Name: Wouldn't you like to know? (Oh, the anticipation!)
Height: 16 inches
Weight: 3 pounds (OF SHEER MUSCLE. Probably. You know, cause Jared & I are so muscular.)

Learned skills:
  • Breathing by himself (Well, amniotic fluid. He'd breathe air if you let him but for some reason I keep him locked up in this small muscular cage and never let him out. He protests quite frequently.)
  • Grabbing at things that happen into his hands (i.e. his umbilical cord, face, and/or feet)
  • Lodging himself into the best real estate in my uterus
Favorite games:
  • "Guess that Body Part" - shoving different body parts against my stomach while I (and others) guess which part it is, being especially careful to make his head & butt appear to be the same shape and size. (Wouldn't want him to just throw the game away like that, would you? We need a challenge.)
  • "Body Slam the Bladder" - slamming his entire body against my bladder so that I must get up and immediately go to the bathroom. Even if its just a few drops.
  • "Scare People to Death" - causing bleeding, Braxton-Hicks contractions, or refusing to move during the stupid allotted fetal kick count time frames, only to be hyperactive 5 minutes later.
By the way, Yes... I did take that picture in the office. No one is around and I've only gotten two calls today so I was feeling brave.

Also, postscript: Today's word of the day is licentious. I read it in three different spots in the newspaper and thought, "Huh... don't use that word much."

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