Saturday, June 27, 2009

Its going to be a bright sunshiny day.

One of my favorite things to do when I'm bored is read other people's pregnancy/baby blogs. Its nice for me to get perspective on how other people deal with my same problems. One of my favorite bloggers recently posted about her honest feelings towards her unborn baby, about how guilty she felt because she doesn't really love her baby yet.

I read that, and I think, "I can relate to that." I wouldn't say that I really love Babyzilla yet. It used to make me feel horribly guilty because so many people gushed on and on about how they were already completely in love with a person they've never met, how already they could not imagine life without their unborn baby. And I just don't feel like that. This whole thing is still pretty far removed from me. The changes I've had to make thus far are really nothing compared to what will come. So I can't eat lunch meat sandwiches, and I have a hard time bending over... but in a few months I will be responsible for somebody else's life, and I don't know what that is like yet. Its such a strange concept to me still that I can't really know it to love it.

But, I guess, from my point of view... Its okay that I don't love him now. I don't really know him now. I've only seen him a couple of times on grainy ultrasound screens - at best he looked like a little alien, and at worst he looked like an indistinguishable blob. I have no idea what he is going to like or how he is going to act or anything like that. And if you search the subject on pregnancy forums, I know there are a lot of people out there who feel like I do.

I look at it this way: I know that when I finally do love him after he's born, it will be for who he is and not what he is to me. I kind of like the idea of learning new things about him to love, instead of having this automatic feeling there no matter what. As stupid as it sounds, it will mean more to me that I will have fallen in love with him when he is screaming, pooping and staying up all night instead of when he is just floating inside of me and I can idealize him into anything I want.

Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of him. I might even love the idea of him. I do everything I can to try and be healthy and take care of him. I'm excited to meet him and I worry about him, but to me its not the same as loving him.

I guess I wanted to share these feelings in case somebody else who is reading my blog finds herself in the same boat. I definitely didn't want to lie and say that I totally love him. I didn't want to lie and make it seem like someone is a horrible mom if she doesn't love her unborn child yet. Because she wouldn't be. I'm not, and I won't be, even if other people try to make me feel otherwise.

And, honestly? I'm pretty proud of how things are shaping up, despite the people out there who try to bring me down. I know I'm not married, I know I'm "too young" and I know that I have no clue what I'm doing. Strangers are quick to judge me and point all of those things out to me, but I still think I'm doing a good job. I've got more things going for me than working against me.

Its stupid to ignore all of those good things. I mean, above everything else, I'm growing a healthy baby. I've got Jared here to help me, and even though we're not married it doesn't make our relationship or love for the baby any less valid. My family & Jared's family are supportive of us and are there to help us when we need it. Both Jared & I are smart, healthy people and we'll learn how to be parents as well as anyone who was "ready" to become a parent.

We don't have a plan but we'll ride out whatever comes at us and that will be good enough. Good enough, because things always work out in the end. Becuase, in five years, no one is going to care how our son got here because he is going to be his own awesome person. He is going to be his own person and we'll be glad that things happened exactly the way they did.

Dear Babyzilla,

I'm glad you're here.

Your mom

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