Running on empty.

Last night was another night of thrashing in the non swaddled world. Oliver has been so cranky lately that I'm going crazy. He was so agitated and angry this afternoon that I had to bust out the swaddle again. Within 30 seconds of swaddling him, he stopped crying and fell asleep. He has been sleeping for 2 hours now. He must be tired from not sleeping last night, too.

While he was napping, I tried to get on top of some of my school stuff. It is very hard to think about going back to school in the fall. Part of the reason I'm worried about it is just because I don't want to leave him. I know he'll be in good hands with my parents, but I still feel like nobody will/can do as good of a job as I can do.

Honestly, somewhere in my head, I know they are completely capable of giving him the same level of care that I can. It will be different for him, though, and it is hard for me to recognize that different doesn't always mean worse. It'll be good for him to get used to different people and different things but... there is just so much that I've learned about him that seems to invaluable when I'm caring for him.

I know all of his sleepy signals. I know so many little tricks to keep him happy. I'm an expert at tucking the blanket around him in his swing so that he doesn't get cold. When all else fails, I'm always able to comfort him with breastfeeding, and nobody else can do that. Letting somebody else learn their own tricks and techniques for his care will be hard for me.

And as hard as leaving him will be, just going back to classes is an even scarier thought to me. The few times I've been back, I've felt out of place. I feel like people are looking at me when I'm carrying Oliver. I feel like people will take me for a professor's wife, a babysitter, something - but not a student. I didn't think it would feel so hard to be a "nontraditional" student. I feel like I already had to try hard enough to find study buddies, and now I have just one more thing to overcome. I'm just not that good at meeting people.

In order to find people that can relate, I'm going to my first Student Parent Help Center meeting tomorrow afternoon. The few times I've actually made it in to the center, I've felt very welcomed. The students in the computer lab were very kind. The advisers were unbelievably strong advocates. They helped me sort through the health insurance disaster I had before Oliver was born. They've pointed me in the direction of so many good resources. They're currently helping me to rectify some issues that came up regarding my student status and my transfer between colleges.

Oliver received exceptional Christmas gifts from an anonymous donor through the Help Center's Adopt a Family program. They offer a free meal, free printing, free computer lab... so many wonderful things. It would be stupid for me not to take advantage of all this, so I made sure to set my alarm for the group meeting tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to do my best just to put my anxiety aside, relax, and meet some people like me. It would be nice not to be "the only one" anymore.

I've sent in all of my appropriate forms. I'm just waiting to hear from my college so that my transition back to classes next fall will be a smooth one. As terrifying as it is to go back, it is important to me that I do and I want to do it right.

I'm knocking one more thing off of my New Year's Resolution to-do list. Wish me luck.